Shame Is Never the Answer

We have been asked by our Heavenly Father to keep the commandments in order to build a Christlike character on the road to perfection and exaltation. We don't always do that. In order to overcome the debilitating effects of this disobedience, a Savior was provided who took upon Himself the consequences of these sins,  and has set His own qualification for forgiveness ("Follow thou me..."). This process known as repentance is simple, but it is rarely easy. The nature of sin is such that when it occurs it unleashes within us certain feelings. The most frequent is guilt. The most deadly is shame.
The great Apostle Paul said the following in correspondence to the early church in the city of Corinth:

Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
(2 Corinthians 7:9-10)

In this we see clearly that there are different types of guilt, and they have varying potential outcomes. We will discuss three: Godly Sorrow, "Self-induced" Guilt, and Shame. We will define each one, then discuss them together in further depth. In studying these types of guilt, we can get a sense of certain reactions we can have to sin, whether it be our own or those around us: 1) there is only one type of guilt that can truly lead us to repent, and 2) taking the guilt process into our own hands (or hearts) can be detrimental to our progress, or that of those around us.

Godly Sorrow
Just as Paul describes, this guilt comes directly from our Heavenly Father through the Spirit. It is that uncomfortable feeling that we get when we know that we've done something wrong, and feel a desire to change. It is the only sure-fire way to lead us to repent. We should keep in mind that though we may feel such a desire, the Lord respects our agency, and will never force us to repent.

"Self-induced Guilt"
I would describe this type of guilt as "the guilt of perfectionism." It is a self-induced feeling that we have messed up, and most often leads us to sulk and feel that we are not good enough. This feeling may, however, lead us to ponder our overall desires, which allows the Spirit to enter, and replaces the self-induced guilt with Godly sorrow, which will help us repent. It most often, however, leads us to the third type of guilt, which does just the opposite.

Shame
The dictionary describes shame like this: "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." Think of the last time you felt humiliated. Did it make you want to be better, or did it make you want to sink in a hole and never come out? In the scripture above, Paul describes the dichotomy of Godly Sorrow and shame. His words are powerful: "For godly sorrow worketh repentance...but the sorrow of the world worketh death." We know that there are two types of death: spiritual and physical. Most of the time, shame leads us to a state of spiritual death.

We believe the adversary's common lies of "You're just not good enough," "You can never change," or "You might as well not even try." This drives us down into further despair, and we can easily fall into more sin, and greater humiliation. The most terrible thing about shame, however, is that such a feeling can lead us to physical death as well. One of the greatest tragedies of this mortal existence, and one that I think pains our Heavenly Father more than just about anything, is that many of His sons and daughters take their lives because of this feeling. The nature of shame is this: it will never ever ever lead us to repentance. It will never ever ever lead someone to repentance if you or I try and shame them for their sins.

Simply put: Shame is never the answer.

So we see, Godly sorrow cannot and will not ever hurt us. It is the only "gentle" form of guilt in that it is so perfect that the only result is positive change (if we so choose to follow it). It doesn't mean that it will be comfortable. To the contrary, it is almost always uncomfortable, but never damaging. The self-induced guilt and that which we receive from the words of others has an incredible potential to damage us--many times one doesn't come back from the guilt they put on themselves, or that which they feel from others' words or actions. However, a good friend or family member may call on us to repent, and it may cause us to change. Many of us have felt the need to change because of the words of one of our local Church leaders, or a General Authority. In such a case, we experience a feeling of Godly sorrow, because the words of those men and women are inspired, and delivered with consideration to the sensitivity of the sinner. As Paul points out, the only sure way for us to change is through Godly sorrow. The positively, sure way to be negatively influenced is through shame.

Knowing this, we can be more aware of how we should react to our loved ones when they fall short, and we desire them to change. We should realize this: if there is even a sliver of a possibility that there will be a negative reaction, it would be best to just keep our mouths shut. Just because we may be in a position to call someone to repentance definitely does not mean it is our place. In fact, if the person in question is not a loved one, and you are not in a position of leadership which has as its duties calls to repentance (like a Bishop or a full-time missionary), there's a pretty good chance that you shouldn't bring it up at all. Why?

Because of the potential for shame to be the guilt that comes. Shame is never the answer.

To close I would like to present a specific area in which many members have felt the need to speak out or act out, and it has had a very negative result.

There has been a disturbing trend in parts of the world. There has been a rash of suicides by members of the Church, mostly youth-age individuals, who identify as homosexuals, or who have just felt same-sex attraction. Only one thing can possibly be the root of these tragic choices, and it is shame--the feeling that because of the attractions they have, they can never repent, and so life is no longer worth living. I would say that a good number of these has been caused by a self-induced guilt, coupled with the sad acceptance of Satan's flat out lies, and/or failed attempts to control their attractions; the ultimate feeling is then a deep shame, which causes them to make that choice to take their lives. But certainly, the remaining cases have been caused by insensitive words or careless actions. Though there be no direct exhortation to change one's ways, frivolous and derogatory comments have given the impression that there is a general consensus of the "unforgivability" of the sin. Of course this could be true of any sin, but it is incredibly common with that of homosexuality. "That's so gay" is such a common expression, and always directed at negative things, and it's just one example of the type of comments or actions that are so common. What we fail to realize is that feelings of same-sex attraction are more common among members of the Church than we would expect, and our insensitive and careless "general exhortations" are doing damage. I am in no way condoning homosexual activities. I am condemning hatred of any kind to anyone. Animosity toward identifiers of homosexuality among members needs to end. It's not our place to shame others into repentance; in reality, it is not possible to shame into repentance. Our place is to love with Christ-like love, and that's it.

Christ himself will take care of the rest.

Our reaction to our own sin is also something we must always consider. I hope that we can always realize that there is virtually nothing that we can do that we can't repent. What's even more sure than that, is that there is literally nothing we can do that will make our Heavenly Father and His Son cease to love us. Don't believe Satan's lies. Believe that God loves you, and don't let shame overpower you. Shame is never the answer.