Shame Is Never the Answer

We have been asked by our Heavenly Father to keep the commandments in order to build a Christlike character on the road to perfection and exaltation. We don't always do that. In order to overcome the debilitating effects of this disobedience, a Savior was provided who took upon Himself the consequences of these sins,  and has set His own qualification for forgiveness ("Follow thou me..."). This process known as repentance is simple, but it is rarely easy. The nature of sin is such that when it occurs it unleashes within us certain feelings. The most frequent is guilt. The most deadly is shame.
The great Apostle Paul said the following in correspondence to the early church in the city of Corinth:

Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
(2 Corinthians 7:9-10)

In this we see clearly that there are different types of guilt, and they have varying potential outcomes. We will discuss three: Godly Sorrow, "Self-induced" Guilt, and Shame. We will define each one, then discuss them together in further depth. In studying these types of guilt, we can get a sense of certain reactions we can have to sin, whether it be our own or those around us: 1) there is only one type of guilt that can truly lead us to repent, and 2) taking the guilt process into our own hands (or hearts) can be detrimental to our progress, or that of those around us.

Godly Sorrow
Just as Paul describes, this guilt comes directly from our Heavenly Father through the Spirit. It is that uncomfortable feeling that we get when we know that we've done something wrong, and feel a desire to change. It is the only sure-fire way to lead us to repent. We should keep in mind that though we may feel such a desire, the Lord respects our agency, and will never force us to repent.

"Self-induced Guilt"
I would describe this type of guilt as "the guilt of perfectionism." It is a self-induced feeling that we have messed up, and most often leads us to sulk and feel that we are not good enough. This feeling may, however, lead us to ponder our overall desires, which allows the Spirit to enter, and replaces the self-induced guilt with Godly sorrow, which will help us repent. It most often, however, leads us to the third type of guilt, which does just the opposite.

Shame
The dictionary describes shame like this: "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." Think of the last time you felt humiliated. Did it make you want to be better, or did it make you want to sink in a hole and never come out? In the scripture above, Paul describes the dichotomy of Godly Sorrow and shame. His words are powerful: "For godly sorrow worketh repentance...but the sorrow of the world worketh death." We know that there are two types of death: spiritual and physical. Most of the time, shame leads us to a state of spiritual death.

We believe the adversary's common lies of "You're just not good enough," "You can never change," or "You might as well not even try." This drives us down into further despair, and we can easily fall into more sin, and greater humiliation. The most terrible thing about shame, however, is that such a feeling can lead us to physical death as well. One of the greatest tragedies of this mortal existence, and one that I think pains our Heavenly Father more than just about anything, is that many of His sons and daughters take their lives because of this feeling. The nature of shame is this: it will never ever ever lead us to repentance. It will never ever ever lead someone to repentance if you or I try and shame them for their sins.

Simply put: Shame is never the answer.

So we see, Godly sorrow cannot and will not ever hurt us. It is the only "gentle" form of guilt in that it is so perfect that the only result is positive change (if we so choose to follow it). It doesn't mean that it will be comfortable. To the contrary, it is almost always uncomfortable, but never damaging. The self-induced guilt and that which we receive from the words of others has an incredible potential to damage us--many times one doesn't come back from the guilt they put on themselves, or that which they feel from others' words or actions. However, a good friend or family member may call on us to repent, and it may cause us to change. Many of us have felt the need to change because of the words of one of our local Church leaders, or a General Authority. In such a case, we experience a feeling of Godly sorrow, because the words of those men and women are inspired, and delivered with consideration to the sensitivity of the sinner. As Paul points out, the only sure way for us to change is through Godly sorrow. The positively, sure way to be negatively influenced is through shame.

Knowing this, we can be more aware of how we should react to our loved ones when they fall short, and we desire them to change. We should realize this: if there is even a sliver of a possibility that there will be a negative reaction, it would be best to just keep our mouths shut. Just because we may be in a position to call someone to repentance definitely does not mean it is our place. In fact, if the person in question is not a loved one, and you are not in a position of leadership which has as its duties calls to repentance (like a Bishop or a full-time missionary), there's a pretty good chance that you shouldn't bring it up at all. Why?

Because of the potential for shame to be the guilt that comes. Shame is never the answer.

To close I would like to present a specific area in which many members have felt the need to speak out or act out, and it has had a very negative result.

There has been a disturbing trend in parts of the world. There has been a rash of suicides by members of the Church, mostly youth-age individuals, who identify as homosexuals, or who have just felt same-sex attraction. Only one thing can possibly be the root of these tragic choices, and it is shame--the feeling that because of the attractions they have, they can never repent, and so life is no longer worth living. I would say that a good number of these has been caused by a self-induced guilt, coupled with the sad acceptance of Satan's flat out lies, and/or failed attempts to control their attractions; the ultimate feeling is then a deep shame, which causes them to make that choice to take their lives. But certainly, the remaining cases have been caused by insensitive words or careless actions. Though there be no direct exhortation to change one's ways, frivolous and derogatory comments have given the impression that there is a general consensus of the "unforgivability" of the sin. Of course this could be true of any sin, but it is incredibly common with that of homosexuality. "That's so gay" is such a common expression, and always directed at negative things, and it's just one example of the type of comments or actions that are so common. What we fail to realize is that feelings of same-sex attraction are more common among members of the Church than we would expect, and our insensitive and careless "general exhortations" are doing damage. I am in no way condoning homosexual activities. I am condemning hatred of any kind to anyone. Animosity toward identifiers of homosexuality among members needs to end. It's not our place to shame others into repentance; in reality, it is not possible to shame into repentance. Our place is to love with Christ-like love, and that's it.

Christ himself will take care of the rest.

Our reaction to our own sin is also something we must always consider. I hope that we can always realize that there is virtually nothing that we can do that we can't repent. What's even more sure than that, is that there is literally nothing we can do that will make our Heavenly Father and His Son cease to love us. Don't believe Satan's lies. Believe that God loves you, and don't let shame overpower you. Shame is never the answer.

How to Shift Our Priorities

Oliver Cowdery

In April of 1829, the Prophet Joseph Smith received a revelation on behalf of Oliver Cowdery. Oliver had recently arrived at Joseph's front door following a prompting of the Spirit to seek the supposed prophet, and soon became his transcriber of the first translation of the Book of Mormon. In this revelation, the Lord shed light on Oliver's potential role in the ushering forth of the Restoration of the pure Gospel of Christ. As part of this revelation, the Lord said, "Seek not for riches but for wisdom, and behold, the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto you, and then shall you be made rich. Behold, he that hath eternal life is rich. Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation" (D&C 6:7-8). The main thing we can get from these powerful verses in this: we all have great potential to be "the means of doing much good in this generation," but there is a main stipulation, and it's one that the Lord pointed out to Oliver: it has to be our desire, and it has to be our main priority. So if we are to reach our own potential and do such good in this generation that desperately needs good to be done, we need to take a second to ask ourselves a simple question:

Where are my priorities right now?

If we are not satisfied with our answer to that question (which happens to me quite a bit), there has to be a way to change it easily, right? It shouldn't be that hard.

I have learned from experience that it's not that easy.

A priority stems from our innermost desires. Desire influences our actions, and our continued actions constitute evidence of where our priorities really lie. Our priorities are also a glimpse at our ultimate destiny--not in the mystical sort of sense, but in the sense that we can get insight into what the end of our road will look like. A quick review of what things are most filling our time will give us a glimpse into what will fill our time in the future if those same priorities were to persist. This is where the answer to that personal question can get difficult; it hurts when we realize that our current priorities are taking us down a path that we know will not lead us to Christ. At the same time, the adversary attempts to deceive us into thinking that we can change those mistaken priorities easily. He often tries to make us think that we can change them when our circumstances get better or when a certain event happens to us that will then make it easier to be a disciple.

When this trial ends, I can be happy... When I get married, it'll be easier to stop looking at pornography... When I get a new job, I'll start paying my tithing; right now it's too hard...

Like I said, I have learned from sad experience that this mindset is fundamentally flawed. Our desires don't change on the flip of a switch, and so neither do our conditioned actions and habits. If we want our priorities to change, we have to think about what we truly want, and then make the conscious and prayerfully consecrated decision to act in full faith according to those desires.

One of my favorite talks of all-time is one called "Desire," given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks in April of 2011 (Read it here). In the talk he clearly articulates what it takes for the desire of sin to be relinquished. The words of the Lord to Oliver of "if you desire" take on new meaning:

"When people are described as 'having lost their desire for sin,'" Elder Oaks says, "it is they, and they only, who deliberately decided to lose those wrong desires by being willing to 'give away all [their] sins' in order to know God. Therefore, what we insistently desire, over time, is what we will eventually become and what we will receive in eternity....As important as it is to lose every desire for sin, eternal life requires more....It is our actions and our desire that cause us to become something."

It is our own conscious decision to change which will ultimately allow us to shift our priorities. It comes first from a conscious and humble decision to let our desires for the things of God overpower our desires for the carnal, temporal things of the world. This can only be done in open and humble correspondence with our Heavenly Father, leaning on the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ. Our own personal decision to act on this change is the next and most important step. Even if we make a decision to change, no change happens unless we act on it. Like the Lord told Oliver:

Even as you desire of me so it shall be unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation.

It's on us.


One point that I would like to make in closing is something that I have pondered on a lot lately, and that is how we can be happy amidst terrible tragedies and deep disappointments in our lives. It is only natural to be sad or to be depressed by these occurrences, which seem to plague us. The main question, again is: how can we be happy in the midst of these struggles.  The answer in theory is easy, and I'll elaborate. In practice it's not so easy.

We must make being happy no matter what a priority in our lives. 

An example from Church history will provide greater insight. The early Saints' arrival to the state of Missouri set off a series of some of the most terrible tragedies and deepest disappointments that any of us could ever imagine. Mobs, expulsion into freezing conditions, slaughter. It was easy for many members to lose faith and lose hope as the hatred against them began to build. But on November 12, 1838, more than five years after they had arrived in Missouri and the terror began, there was an incredible miracle. Parley P. Pratt recounted:

"To our great astonishment all the firmament seemed enveloped in splendid fireworks, as if every star in the broad expanse had been hurled from its course, and sent lawless through the wilds of ether. Thousands of bright meteors were shooting through space in every direction, with long trains of light following in their course. This lasted for several hours, and was only closed by the dawn of the rising sun. Every heart was filled with joy at this majestic display of signs and wonders, showing the near approach of the coming of the Son of God."

Wait a second. Did this event change their circumstances? Were they suddenly allowed to go back to their homes? Did the freezing temperatures change to a nice 70 degrees? Were the dead raised and families restored? Obviously not.

And yet it was this event which inspired WW Phelps to write:

Now let us rejoice in the day of salvation

No longer as strangers on earth need we roam

Good tidings are sounding for us and each nation

And shortly the hour of salvation doth come.

In faith we'll rely on the arm of Jehovah

To guide thru these last days of trouble and gloom,

And after the scourges and harvest are over,

We'll rise with the just when the Savior doth come.

Then all that was promised the Saints will be given,

And they will be crown'd with the angels of heaven

And earth will appear as the Garden of Eden,

And Christ and his people will ever be one.

(Now Let Us Rejoice, LDS Hymn #3)

(This story recounted in Meridian Magazine. Read here)

These faithful Saints made the conscious decision, based on what they felt was a divine manifestation, to "rejoice" of the blessings to come, instead of sulking midst the trials that were happening to them. This decision, based on the desire that they had to have not temporal peace, but eternal peace and joy in the celestial kingdom, led them to act. This pattern of desire-based action by thousands of Saints show forth their true priority in that time: build the kingdom of God. This is a proven formula to being happy in the midst of terrible trial, and one that we should ponder right away. Sulking is an attitude that Satan loves. He loves when we dwell that those things we can't control. He loves when we feel like we can't change those we can. But happiness and joy only come from God. "If we desire," that happiness is ours, no matter what our circumstances may be. 

So where are we at in our desires? Our actions? Our priorities? If they're not where we'd like them, it's up to us to change them. It takes a simple reflection and time on our knees. It takes effort. But that effort will be worth it. If we can let the desire to please God and build His kingdom on earth drive our actions, without a doubt we will "be the means of doing much good in this generation."

Humility of Christ in the Atonement

In a garden outside of Jerusalem came the culminating moment of Jesus' mortal life. The moment where He went from being just Our perfect example to being Our perfect Savior; the moment when the power-hungry members of the Sanhedrin, the Jewish leadership counsel, had decided that this man, Jesus, had gone too far. The plotting had ended, the betrayal had occurred, and their devilish plan had begun to unfold. It was near an olive tree garden called Gethsemane that they found Him, completely exhausted...

It was there that Jesus had taken upon Himself all--our pains, our struggles, our sins. The pain would have killed any other man, but not He who was the only One who could endure it. He was taken, He was spat upon; He was brought before the High Priest and before Pilate; He endured the terrible scourging, and was forced to carry His own cross after hearing the condemning chant of His brethren, who He loved: "Crucify Him." He was nailed to that cross and forced to suffer that most diabolical form of execution imaginable. In this we see the true Humility of Christ: His submission in the garden, His perspective on the road to Golgotha, and His empathy and love upon rising gloriously on the third day.

Submission in Gethsemane

There was no other good enough
To pay the price of sin.
He only could unlock the gate 
of heaven and let us in.
("There Is A Green Hill Far Away", LDS Hymn 194, verse 3)

Remember back to a time when you were in the depths of despair--when the only thing left to do was to get down on your knees and cry to your Heavenly Father to ask for relief. Remember what you felt next. Our Savior fell on His face in the greatest despair anyone could feel, as the burden of all sin and all pain and all despair came upon Him. Luke records, "He was withdrawn from them about a stone's cast, and kneeled down, and prayed saying, Father if thou be willing, remove this cup from me." How many of us in that moment of despair have cried through spiritual fatigue-caused tears that we could have our burden removed? Have we not all asked for it? But how many of us have then said, as Jesus did, "Nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done?" The submission and acceptance that the Christ showed came as a result of perfect humility and a perfect understanding that God knew what was best, and would bless Him if He was willing to go through what was necessary to go through in order to fulfill His will. Once the Savior had said this, we read, "And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling to the ground" (Luke 22:41-44). That was what was necessary for Jesus to endure. For us, nothing can compare, except that same Christlike recognition that ultimate submission to the will of the Father will bring us the ultimate blessings of now and eternity. Next time you feel you are in the depths of despair, try to change your attitude from "remove this cup from me," to "nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." What an example, also, we see in the fact that the Lord will always give us the strength to overcome. Angels will give us strength, just like the angel that came to Jesus in the lowest point in human history. I testify of the power of humbling ourselves to the point of becoming willing to go through whatever is necessary in order to become our best selves.

Perspective on the Road to Golgotha

And the world, because of their iniquity, shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men.
(1 Nephi 19:9, The Book of Mormon)

I have often pondered the type of restraint that was required to endure the type of physical suffering the the Jews and the Roman soldiers inflicted upon the Savior on that day. I have never been spat upon. Nobody has ever beaten me or whipped me or degraded me verbally like they did to Him. The people that I have come to love have not turned on me for unjust, selfish reasons, and subsequently called for my execution. How would I react in a situation like Jesus'? I sure as heck would not be able to keep my mouth shut as they did so! For the purposes of my preparation for this piece, in pondering how Our Beloved Savior showed His trait of humility, I came to the deep realization that an important part of humility is perspective. The Jews taunted Him, but He said nothing and did nothing, because what He was doing was far greater and far more important than a witty comeback or a firey rebuke. He was in the process of dying for the sins of the world. He did not need to react. It was that type of perspective that allowed that restraint. It was that perspective that allowed Him to bestow His own forgiveness upon the soldiers who were ignorant of His true identity. It was that perspective that allowed Him to think of His mother while rusty nails were all that supported Him on that hunk of wood. That type of perspective can't come to us unless we have a perfected understanding of what should really matter in our lives. That understanding can only be perfected through humble inquiry to that very Being that went through it Himself. We would do well to remember this moment when persecution comes upon us in any way, shape, or form: sometimes we just need to keep our mouths shut, because it just doesn't matter.

Empathy on the Road to Emmaus

Abide with me; 'tis eventide,
and lone will be the night
if I cannot commune with thee
nor find in thee my light
O Savior, stay this night with me:
Behold, 'tis eventide.
("Abide with Me; 'Tis Eventide" LDS Hymn 165, verse 3)

It was Sunday, the third day since the leaders of the Jews had thought themselves victorious. "They" had killed He who had been the oppressor of their fight to hold to tradition. Not too far outside Jerusalem, two disciples walked to a village called Emmaus, talking of the events of the days prior--how the man they had thought would be their Savior and King was dead, but that His body was nowhere to be found on this day. They were down, depressed, and confused. The voice of a fellow traveler came to them, teaching them of the words of the prophets and the prophesies of the Messiah. Uplifted and enlightened, the disciples reached the fork in the road, the road going on to Jerusalem, and Emmaus before them. "And they drew night unto the village, whither they went: and he made as though he would have gone further," Luke writes. The humble and perfect empathy of this fellow traveler, who was the Resurrected Christ, shows through. These uplifted yet still tender and ignorant disciples said, "Abide with us." Essentially their petition was, "Please don't go; stay with us, for we still need thy help." And He did stay (Read the full account, in Luke 24:13-35). He stayed because through His mortal life and His suffering to death, the Savior had gained a perfect understanding of what these men and all men and women who were living or who would live on earth were feeling. He knows how He can comfort us accordingly. The question then comes: do we ourselves strive to be empathetic? Do we strive to live our lives trying to be considerate of the feelings and desires of those around us? If we are to become Christlike, we must humble ourselves. C.S. Lewis said, "True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." Christ in His beautiful and perfect humility had lived His life and died thinking not at all of Himself, but of all of us. Can we not strive in our pursuit of perfection to do the same? I think we would do well to ponder how we can be more empathetic of others' needs as we go about our daily lives.

Through the course of His life, we see examples of the specific ways in which He exemplified His perfect humility, and how then we can develop a Christlike humility. He accepted the circumstances of His life and overcame them. He trusted in His Heavenly Father to do that. He sacrificed in life and in death. He had perfect compassion and love for His brothers and sisters. He was perfectly submissive to the will of the Father. He had gained a perfect, eternal perspective of His own role and mission, and could act according to it. He had perfect understanding and empathy of those around Him. Most of all, and through a combination of these specific components, He performed the Atonement, vicariously suffering for the suffering that we would have to go through to pay for our mistakes and sins. That is why He pleads with us, "Repent, lest...your sufferings be sore--how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not. For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent" (D&C 19:15-16). It is because of the love He has for us that He says, "Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit and you shall have peace in me. I am Jesus Christ; I came by the will of the Father, and I do his will" (D&C 19:23-24). Our Savior knows who He is, and He knows perfectly who we are. He knows that if we have the same type of humility that He has (for He still has it), we cannot falter in our pursuit of becoming perfect, just like He did. If we can accept, overcome, sacrifice, show compassion, submit, realize, and empathize just like He did--and does--(leaning on Him for strength) there will be nothing that will get us down. There will be nothing that will lead us astray. There will be nothing that will keep us from entering the Eternal Fold of the Good Shepherd in the eternal realms of the Celestial Kingdom. It is not easy. But it is possible. How do I know that? Because Jesus did it, and He offers His help so that we can do the same.